So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If I die, sorry about rent.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize