Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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