cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
