Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
