Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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