I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
