Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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