How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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