I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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