my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
