so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
