I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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