Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
