haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize