so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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