I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
