i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
