If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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