I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
