She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize