I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
