I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
