He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
