you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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