I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So many bounce houses so little time
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
