just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
