if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
