All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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