I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
