I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
