do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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