I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
