WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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