My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
sarcasm needs its own font
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
