Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
