just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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