i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
