Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
