I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
