I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
