my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
