i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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