Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
