Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize