just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
