If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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