ya dads aren't the best wingmen
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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