Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
