we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
