The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
