my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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