why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize