My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just blew my weed a kiss
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
