This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
