you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
