There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
