Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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