omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
